The Quiet Car

In a mad dash to the DC bound train at Boston’s South Station, I noticed an Amtrak staff person indicating that the very first car after Business class was “The Quiet Car”. My heart did a little leap as I made my escape into this welcome solitude, found a window seat, and prepped for hours of reading and introspection.

Inside the car was a very confused, very loud person looking for either (different language) “their seat” or a place to put their luggage, rather loudly. Did I mention they were being loud? I scowled internally, and just wished someone would correct them, before I chose to be that person who says “Please, this is The Quiet Car!”. This isn’t so much about obeying rules, as it is about something bigger that has resonated with me ever since childhood — extroverts making their way into an introvert’s space, and being themselves.

Many disclaimers here, so please hit pause on any anger that may have resulted from the above statement — 1) I love introverts AND extroverts — no dislike for anyone. 2)I don’t believe that just because someone was being loud means they are an extrovert — the instance just, in my mind, had a parallel. 3)I don’t believe that extroverts intend to harm introverts — they may not even know that the other person is introverted, and sometimes not even the introvert is aware of this themselves.

That passenger eventually calmed down, or left — I’m not sure, I disappeared into my window seat, put on a playlist that a friend had put together as if she had picked a song from each of my life stages until now, and forgot about the Loud one in The Quiet Car.

It’s been a common feeling growing up, specially in a culture that values togetherness, showing up unannounced, acting with almost reckless abandon when it comes to participating in social gatherings; to always have to defend my “space” and need for distance. The number of times I’ve had to excuse myself from “Uncle-Aunty parties” on the pretext of an exam, or a headache as a child, is very high. I regarded being a “latch-key” child extremely valuable — it meant quiet time after a school day, before my parents got home, to reset — not speak to anyone. Any neighborly attempt to “watch” this “lonely” child was received with quiet, resentful, acquiesce. My family has always been one to value and give space, allow time for learning and introspection, and in general leave people alone, so my parents were never ones to run and hide from, but any time alone to someone like me, is currency. I would not trade this in for good money.

It is a constant fight for some people — this defending of space. It is probably hard to believe but we wilt in the lack of it. The lack of silence. The Quiet Car windfalls therefore are very welcome!

I can feel myself becoming a lesser version of myself with many constant days of zero alone time. Indian weddings (I am Indian) for example — go on forever, expect constant song and dance, specially if within your close family, constant participation, and not to mention there is almost always a thousand people. Our own wedding would have been pure horror for me, if it weren’t for my husband — who joined in the “battle” to whittle the “celebrations” down to two days instead of the usual upwards of five, and the guest list down to 475 people — yes 475. I will always remember the horror associated with the elevator doors opening to reveal us, the newlyweds, to the 475 reception attendees, almost forgetting how to breathe while he held my hand and said “Don’t look, just smile, and walk, quick.”

People visiting for extended periods is another example. Specially in our previous, much smaller, much more prone to interaction, New York City apartment. Thankfully our current one has space, and opportunity for the zero interaction that I crave.

None of this is anything personal toward any of those 475 reception attendees, or the people that we host every once in a while. This is just a need. An important one. For a certain type of people to be healthy and functional.

My learnings from all of this are simple —

2. To explain to people I care about what this is — Introvertism — it is often misunderstood, and there is a spectrum of introverted to extroverted.

3. To always have a planned escape route from gatherings/parties, and have friends who understand and almost expect me to disappear from a situation when my chariot is beginning to look more like a pumpkin. It is a running joke among us when my friends and husband buy tickets to “boat parties” (DJs that they love playing on boats sailing around Manhattan) I almost never join — because in the couple that I have been to, I’ve really felt that lack of escape route deeply. You’re stuck on a loud boat until it docks. Not an introvert’s paradise.

4. To be comfortable saying “no” to gatherings/situations where I know I will not do well, or be a version of myself that the other person is expecting.

All of this can be looked upon as selfish in a way, and the word itself “intro”vertism, speaks toward deriving energy from within, or your inner self being the center of your being. I request that we don’t feel this way (selfish) about our introverts — this isn’t the case. In fact they devote a lot of mental and emotional energy to each interaction, which is why the “fatigue”. If it still feels selfish, then okay, maybe it is — I am no one to say how this should be perceived, but I just request that people try to not feel hurt by it.

Thank you to my husband and friends who might look around a room, notice I am gone, and not think anything of it!

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